We promised to strive for it but you kept dragging it down. I struggled pulling it up but you sat down and watched me. Your ego had took over you. After all it was I who needed you and not the vice versa. Why would you struggle anyway? You kept playing games as I kept praying and trying. I knew that was stupid but something kept me struggling : it was not me, neither was it you. It was a desire.
Everyday you went against the rules of the game, doing things that hurt us. All my attempts to stop you landed on us arguing until someone was hurt. Then silence could prevail without a solution. Being the needy one always, I bent low and strived to make things right. There was something though : I'm not the type to bend low, but why so soft to you? You kept repeating the same mistakes and I kept forgiving you. It's not like you asked for it but I needed to . The games did stop....
They urged me to give up but I kept strong on my prayers. After all it wasn't about them but us, me...
Many times I cried but kept it a secret. Other times I prayed and uttered non about it. Most times I kept my pain for myself - after all who wanted to be seen that weak when I was the one advocating for strength? Anyway, a barber cannot shave himself.
Day in day out we fought over the same thing. It wasn't me understanding you but you always being correct and not wanting to listen to why I was hurt. And me being stupid as I've always been, I always gave up the argument at the expense of the relationship happiness. It's not something I do oftenly, trust me...
Nothing changed and the formula continued. Ofcourse I had to get tired and I did. I backed off but continued praying. That was the only option I remained with. Thinking you would fight for me and try making things right proved to be utter bullshit. It's not that I expected it anyway but there was something that low-key hoped you will. Then it dawned on me that your pride wouldn't slide in that easily. I knew I was loosing but kept on. Sometimes you have to loose to learn, I remembered. But I did not learn anything. I kept hurting instead. And got used to the pain anyway...
Then the worst landed on me : instead of fighting, you thought I was giving up or had. You played brave but I saw panic in you. Believing you as the conqueror, I failed again....
Sweetheart, did you give up on us when I didn't? Did you break the promise you promised to keep? I'm trying to analyze everything but all I get back are tears. I can see hurt in your posts, I can read them and all I get is you believing that I walked away. How could I after all that effort? How could I leave all I wanted? Yes I got tired but no, I didn't give up. It wasn't among my options. It has never been...
I wanted you to fight, fight for our love. But you sat back strengthless and watched everything slide. I observed hurting in your posts, tears in your words and all this time I have to ask where did all the love and ambition go? Where did you take our forever?
Bree
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